paying-attention

Why does saying I'm sorry mean you are accepting blame and responsibility? How do you say "I'm sorry," to mean just I'm sorry as in I'm sympathetic to your situation. I always say I'm sorry when someone tells me their tale of woe; death, loss of job, leaky roof etc and then the response is often, it's not your fault. I never thought it was my fault-but I'm still sorry. Just wondering...

I work with kids. Fairly often, they make each other cry. As adults on playground duty or whatever our role happens to be, we almost always make the other child apologize to the one who is crying. Most of the time the child who has to offer the apology has not done anything deliberately to hurt the other.

The conversation usually goes something like this:

"The ball you threw hit Marika in the arm. Tell her you are sorry," or "Eli thinks you were laughing at him. Tell him you are sorry"

"But I didn't mean to hit Marika with the ball," or "I wasn't laughing at Eli."

"Are you happy that Marika (or Eli) is so sad? No? Then say you're sorry and maybe she'll (or he'll) feel better."

Sometimes they point out some factual extenuation, like "I didn't throw it, Laura did!" or "He's a big baby who cries about everything!" The fact is, though, children don't really have a problem saying they are sorry as long as it doesn't mean they are in trouble for doing something to the other child.

A lot of the apologizing that we require these days has nothing to do with assuming blame for anything. If we are sad that somebody feels badly, it should be okay to say so without implying that it is our fault.

There is a difference between expressing sympathy for another's distress, and admitting that you caused that distress. Adults often have trouble telling the difference. It is adults, after all, who have perfected the mean-spirited, insult-to-injury apology. You know it: "I'm sorry that you are such a thin-skinned, humorless jerk who can't take a joke," or "I'm sorry that you stood directly in my path like an idiot so I ran into you."

Unless they learn it from an adult, kids don't have the impulse to try and make someone feel worse. That impulse can be learned, especially by children who are used to being blamed and punished for things that really are accidents.

This is not to say that, as adults or as voters, we want to put people in a position to hurt others even inadvertently. I'm not going to hand a knife to a child who has shown a lack of self-control with a whiffle ball. There are issues of competence at stake, but I've found that most people really don't want to make the other kids feel badly.

Sometimes the words "It's not your fault" are necessary. Sometimes it's just a way of accepting the expression of sympathy. At times, it implies "It's not your fault but just wait until I catch the person whose fault it is!"

Last week there was a story out of Omaha about a man who was trying to sue God. Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers "had sued God in September 2007, seeking a permanent injunction to prevent God from committing acts of violence such as earthquakes and tornadoes."

There's a certain logic to Chambers' actions. At the very least, we all deserve an apology.

Labels: apology, blame, children, sorry